When a child loses someone they love, grief can show up in pretty unexpected ways. Some children ask difficult questions, while others withdraw, act out, or seem unaffected at first.

Because kids often process loss differently than adults, it can be hard to know what to say. But what matters most is helping the child feel safe and understood.

How Children Experience Grief at Different Ages

A child’s age plays a pretty big role in how they understand and express loss. Every kid is different, but here are some overarching trends and behaviors that researchers have noticed over the years:

• Very young children may not grasp the permanence of death at all. They might ask where the person is, expect them to return, or repeat the same questions over and over. This isn’t denial – it’s how their brains make sense of something abstract.
• School-aged children often begin to understand that death is permanent, but they may still struggle with why it happened or whether it could happen to someone else they love. Fears about safety and separation are common at this stage.
• Older children and teens may understand death more fully but lack the emotional tools to handle it. Their grief can show up as withdrawal, irritability, risk-taking, or intense sadness that comes and goes.

No matter the age, it’s important to know that grief is rarely linear. A child might seem fine one day and overwhelmed the next – and that’s okay.

In fact, you could say it’s normal. If a child continues living like nothing happened, that’s more of a concern than if they’re clearly experiencing emotional ups and downs.

Keep Things as Simple as Possible

One of the hardest parts of helping a child through loss is figuring out what to say. You might worry about saying too much, or not enough. And while these are valid thoughts, don’t let yourself become overwhelmed.

Yes, you should be honest when children ask questions. However, use some discretion. There’s no need to use graphic detail or adult-level explanations when answering challenging questions.

Most psychologists and therapists agree that you should avoid euphemisms like “went to sleep” or “passed away,” which can create confusion for a child. Saying someone “died” may feel blunt, but it helps children understand what actually happened.

Do your best to answer questions as they come, and don’t feel pressured to explain everything at once. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know,” or “That’s a good question – we can talk more about it later.”

Let Them Grieve in Their Own Way

Children don’t grieve on a schedule, and they don’t grieve the same way adults do. They may play shortly after asking a heartbreaking question. They may laugh at moments that feel inappropriate. They may seem unaffected – until they’re not.

Try not to judge or correct how grief shows up. There’s no “right” way for a child to mourn. Your role isn’t to shape their emotions, but to make room for them.

If a child wants to talk, listen without rushing to fix or reassure. If they don’t want to talk, let them know you’re available whenever they’re ready.

Use Physical Reminders as Much as Possible

Children typically need something tangible to help them process their abstract emotions. This is where having a physical reminder can help make the loss feel more understandable and less frightening.

“Children are visual and often need something to serve as a physical reminder in the space they occupy,” says Susan Fraser, founder of In the Light Urns. “This is why cremation urns – especially when they’re personalized to the individual – can be such a helpful part of the grieving process.”

This doesn’t have to be an urn. It could be a photo, a keepsake, a memory box, or an object connected to the person they lost. The real motive here is to allow the child to engage with the memory of the lost loved one in a way that feels comforting.

Encourage Expression in Multiple Ways

Not all children can explain their feelings verbally. That doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving.

Drawing, writing, music, play, and movement can all be ways children work through loss. If you notice consistent themes of death or loss in these activities, don’t shut them down.

Instead of redirecting or shutting it down, observe and lean into it. You can ask open-ended questions like, “Do you want to tell me about what you’re drawing?” without pushing for deeper discussion if they resist.

You Don’t Have to Have All the Answers

Supporting a grieving child while managing your own grief is incredibly difficult. You’ll have moments where you don’t know what to say or how to respond. What matters most is that you’re present.